It’s never been this hard before. He’s not great with words or how he feels, but he’s never had to go out of his way to really plan out what he’s going to say before he says it. Not really. But standing here, unsure and aimless, he wishes he had some kind of script or prepared speech.
Arms hanging by his side, he swallows. ]
I’m sorry. I told her to leave it and it wasn’t her fault, but she just… Did it.
I understand that sh-she's just... concerned with other people.
[A well-meaning busybody. The road to Hell is paved withb good intentions, indeed. Maybe he's not mad at Yuji about this. But being put on the spot, in public, when Raidou's so used to being private about these sorts of things, he can't help but be irritated over it. He tries to contain it, though, not wanting misdirected anger to make things worse.]
I'm not angry with you.
[He chews his lip, quiet as he thinks of what to say. He looks at the sword in his hand.]
Head back to the med bay. I'm sure she needs a lot of healing yet.
[ Yuji is set and determined about this, and completely unconcerned about the sword situation. He knows that once they get back Raidou will put it away and they can do… Something.
He’s just not sure what yet. ]
Let’s - can we go to your room? I think… Maybe we need to listen to her. Things are weird, aren’t they?
[He rubs the back of his neck, looking unsure, but ultimately nods. It's just around the corner, once inside, he sets his sword on its stand. He takes his usual spot on the edge of the bed, back to the wall so he can lean. He still looks tired.]
I'm... not upset at you for that. One would think a goddess would have more decorum, but...
Yuji follows him into the room and stands, not wanting to crowd or go where he’s not entirely wanted. He shifts from foot to foot before he crosses his arms. ]
[He looks away, frowning at himself more than Yuji. There's a lot he wants to say. A lot of anxieties bubbling to the surface since this whole ordeal started.]
... It's not-- that. To say you're dealing with too much is an understatement. For me to-- to ask you to change something is... foolish. You have so much in your life that's--
[That's more important? Needs to be prioritized? He doesn't know.
He wishes more than anything that he could take those words back.
But isn't that something you're allowed to do? If you're my boyfriend, aren't you the person who can ask me?
[ Yuji's never dated anyone before, never consciously liked someone before their dates together, but he knows enough from TV and movies to recognise that there are some things that a partner should be permitted. If there's anyone out there who has the right to pull Yuji by the ear and actually talk to him, isn't it Raidou?
Rubbing his face, he tilts his head back and swallows, trying to calm his racing heart and the strange, awkward panic he feels. It's scary, he realises, because he doesn't do this. He doesn't talk about how he feels, or what he chooses to do, or how his mind is working, because it just makes other people hurt.
It hurts everyone around him, but this seems to be hurting more. ]
If we can't be honest with each other, then what's the point?
[That question is like a gut punch, and he lets out a shaky breath. Yuji's right. What is the point otherwise?
Raidou has so few ways to articulate his own feelings. He has no experience in this either, and he doesn't want to do it, either. But he can't go on like this, either. The uncertainty, the loneliness.
He swallows, suppressing so much, trying to figure out what to say.]
What if I don't want to ask, because... because I'm afraid how you will answer?
[What if the answer hasn't changed since that awful moment in the Underworld?]
Then... You don't trust me enough to try and fight with you, instead of against you.
[ Yuji isn't the smartest person, and he knows that. He's not good at things that require long thought or planning, and if you asked him to sit an exam or a midterm then he'd fail, inevitably.
But he knows how he feels. And he knows, when it comes to friendships, when it comes to people you fight with, that you risk yourself for and alongside, you have to trust each other.
And if he's going to love Raidou, long after the horror of what happened to him, he has to trust and be trusted in return. He knows that, in his heart, even without someone's guidance telling him so.
He wants to be trusted. He wants to earn that back. But he doesn't know if he can do that without knowing where to start first. ]
You don't have to like my answer. You can be mad at me, and whatever else, but... Don't we need to try?
[That statement is enough for him to put his face in his hands, hunched over on the edge of the bed. Raidou has such a hard time trusting anyone, never really being close to anyone in his life, and he thought he had that with Yuji. To be told that from Yuji himself is devastating.
But he has to move on, he's got to try. Nothing will change, for good or bad, if he doesn't. And even then, it will only get worse, not better. It takes him a few long, quiet moments to gather his thoughts, to keep himself together. In his exhausted state, mentally and physically, it felt so easy to just come apart at the seams again. He can't let that happen.
When he speaks, it's over hands that rub at his eyes and forehead.]
Together. We always said we'd do things together. It-- meant so much to me, knowing that. And then, you left. You went in. Alone. Without me.
[He swallows, another beat to gather himself.]
I know why you did it. I'd felt like doing the same. But I didn't. I stayed here. For the sake of the others. For you.
[A shaky breath, an attempt to smooth out his words.]
I thought... that was it. You were gone for good. Or-- you'd be changed by that place. Unrecognizable. A kaiju the next time you came out.
Then, when I first saw you in there, and you were-- [Dying, visibly dying] The moment you left, I... [He shakes his head.] I fell apart. I thought it was too late. But I never gave up. I kept searching. Then, I h-had to hurt you, again, and I really thought it wasn't going to be enough.
[This is so much. He dares to look up at Yuji now, the weariness visibly weighing on him.]
I was so scared I was going to lose you right there in my arms.
[ Yuji has to swallow around the lump in his throat. His heart hurts, because he knows that this is his fault; that it wasn't that he didn't trust Raidou, that it wasn't any sense of lack of faith or belief, but because his heart took over his mind. He's not very good at waiting around if there's something he can do right now, and his own sense of self-preservation is so minimal that he didn't even consider the damage it would do.
Even when he was fighting Sukuna alongside the others, he had been so sure that it would lead to him fighting in the end, that his life would be taken. Working with others is fine, but in Shibuya, in the Culling Games... So often, it was just him, fighting alone, risking himself because it was all he had left to offer.
It's hard to shrug off that mindset, even when he promotes working as a team to the others.
This time, he failed.
Again. ]
I was changed. In the Underworld, that... It wasn't me, not really. And you, and Choso, and senpai and the others all had to deal with that, because I made the choice to go on my own. I... Johei, I know how bad that was. I realise how horrible it was for the rest of you left behind, too.
[ But... If they're meant to be honest with each other...? ]
I just... I didn't care what happened to me, as long as the others were safe.
[It's the worst thing the two have in common. But Raidou's had a lot of thinking to do in his time here about that, and he'd been trying to make a conscious effort to not be as reckless, even though it goes against all of his instincts.]
Since getting here... so many people have told us. Take it easier. Think first. Stop putting ourselves in so much danger, and rely on the team. [The image of Ratio staring at him in disapproval comes to mind, as well as Narumi back home griping about Raidou lack of self-preservation.] Though really, the Outsiders aren't the first to say it.
I've been trying. I really have. Because people here care what happens to us. We're a team. We're friends. I'm not used to it, having this many people in my life. But I'm trying to change. For their sakes. For yours.
Tsurumaru-san called me selfish. He was right. Treating myself like that is disrespectful to those who care about me. And I need to learn to trust in others more.
So I suppose, then, wh-what I want to ask is... Are you willing to do the same?
[It's not going to happen overnight. It's an uphill battle for Raidou he will always consciously need to work on. It's going to take a lot of work from both of them. But more than anything in the world, he wants to do it with Yuji together.]
It's hard for him to admit it, that he wants to get better, that he wants to grow and be stronger, as a person, as a fighter, all of it. It's hard to realise his mistakes and failings, even if all the horrible things he did while he was corrupted weren't entirely his fault. Trying to rationalise it all makes his head hurt, but at the same time he knows he has to figure it out, too.
Staring at his feet, he breathes in and out, trying not to cry.
Take it easy. Stop. Think.
He's supposed to be better at this. He's supposed to have grown, to worked with the others, but is he going backwards? Is he getting worse? Are Choso and Raidou and all the others right? Was Geto-san right?
Gritting his teeth, he musters himself, voice shaky as he tries to smother his tears, push them aside. ]
I'm just... I'm so tired of being too late. I was too slow to get to Nanamin, and he died right in front of me. I wasn't able to keep Megumi save from Sukuna, because I was too stupid to think of myself. Gojo-sensei died, and Higuruma-san almost did, and Yuta-senpai traded bodies because he didn't think I could do it, and...
[ He's physically shaking now, arms crossing over his own chest. ]
I keep failing to protect people. I keep being too slow, or too stupid, or... I don't know how to stop when I'm so scared.
[Raidou can't sit there and watch that, his heart only breaking further. Quiet as a mouse, he rises from the bed, and walks over to put his arms around Yuji. His voice is as gentle as his touch. ]
I'm sorry. What you and they went through was more than any one person could hope to stop. I'm sorry you ever to try to do so by yourself. But I know that none of them would expect you to solve everything alone.
[It's so hard to think of what to say. What can be done for someone who's gone through such tremendous tragedy?]
Those that are here now... we can still work to keep them safe. But let them do the same for you, too. Let them care about you as much as you care about them.
[ Yuji doesn't flinch when Raidou comes and wraps his arms around him, but he does tense - not because it's unwanted, but because he doesn't know how to handle it or how to manage the feeling of it at all. He's not sure how to handle being comforted, because it never felt like something he was meant to have.
The idea of the others, of Gojo or Nanamin or Geto finding out how he feels is simply unfathomable. He's supposed to be strong, and helping them, not making things worse. ]
I'm trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am trying.
[ Leaning into the touch is far easier than looking at Raidou, and Yuji shudders through the tears, trying to stem the flow, trying to calm it all down as much as he possibly can. ]
Really together, this time. I... I won't mess up again.
[ It's not a promise, exactly, because he wouldn't be able to keep that, so... ]
I'm sorry. For doing it alone, and for what happened after. For what happened with Ratio-sensei and Eresh-chan, too.
[That's okay. A promise from Yuji on something Raidou himself would have a hard time honoring too is too much, he thinks. He'll have to trust him. He wants to.]
Thank you.
[There's a well of emotion and words springing up in him, all seeming to get caught in his throat.]
And we're going to mess up, Yuji. Both of us. But i-if we keep trying, it will get easier. I know it will.
[It's only been a year and a half in a strange time and place, with no familiar faces from home, wondering what became of the Capital in his absence always in the back of his mind. Knowing that, at any time, either of them could be gone from this place, a trick of technology they can't control.
It made every moment together that much more precious and important.]
[ A hard lesson to learn, but one he has to do. Yuji knows he can't keep doing this, not just because of the impact on others, but because of the impact on himself, too. He can't survive like this for much longer, can he? ]
Eresh-chan was right... About the other stuff, too.
[How many times has Raidou come close to dying? How many times now has he hurt Yuji in battle, intentionally or not? Any is too many. He can't keep it up much longer himself.
Raidou's eyes widen a bit, reflecting back on what Eresh had said.]
[ Yuji still isn't looking at him properly, face blotchy from tears and red from his nervousness, the shyness, but there's a twitch of a smile there, too. ]
If we acted differently, we wouldn't be... You know.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ For a moment, he doesn’t know what to say.
It’s never been this hard before. He’s not great with words or how he feels, but he’s never had to go out of his way to really plan out what he’s going to say before he says it. Not really. But standing here, unsure and aimless, he wishes he had some kind of script or prepared speech.
Arms hanging by his side, he swallows. ]
I’m sorry. I told her to leave it and it wasn’t her fault, but she just… Did it.
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[A well-meaning busybody. The road to Hell is paved withb good intentions, indeed. Maybe he's not mad at Yuji about this. But being put on the spot, in public, when Raidou's so used to being private about these sorts of things, he can't help but be irritated over it. He tries to contain it, though, not wanting misdirected anger to make things worse.]
I'm not angry with you.
[He chews his lip, quiet as he thinks of what to say. He looks at the sword in his hand.]
Head back to the med bay. I'm sure she needs a lot of healing yet.
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[ Yuji is set and determined about this, and completely unconcerned about the sword situation. He knows that once they get back Raidou will put it away and they can do… Something.
He’s just not sure what yet. ]
Let’s - can we go to your room? I think… Maybe we need to listen to her. Things are weird, aren’t they?
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I'm... not upset at you for that. One would think a goddess would have more decorum, but...
[But, Ereshkigal.]
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[ ‘For that’…
Yuji follows him into the room and stands, not wanting to crowd or go where he’s not entirely wanted. He shifts from foot to foot before he crosses his arms. ]
You can tell me.
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... It's not-- that. To say you're dealing with too much is an understatement. For me to-- to ask you to change something is... foolish. You have so much in your life that's--
[That's more important? Needs to be prioritized? He doesn't know.
He wishes more than anything that he could take those words back.
He shakes his head.]
I'm sorry. I'm just tired.
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[ Yuji's never dated anyone before, never consciously liked someone before their dates together, but he knows enough from TV and movies to recognise that there are some things that a partner should be permitted. If there's anyone out there who has the right to pull Yuji by the ear and actually talk to him, isn't it Raidou?
Rubbing his face, he tilts his head back and swallows, trying to calm his racing heart and the strange, awkward panic he feels. It's scary, he realises, because he doesn't do this. He doesn't talk about how he feels, or what he chooses to do, or how his mind is working, because it just makes other people hurt.
It hurts everyone around him, but this seems to be hurting more. ]
If we can't be honest with each other, then what's the point?
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Raidou has so few ways to articulate his own feelings. He has no experience in this either, and he doesn't want to do it, either. But he can't go on like this, either. The uncertainty, the loneliness.
He swallows, suppressing so much, trying to figure out what to say.]
What if I don't want to ask, because... because I'm afraid how you will answer?
[What if the answer hasn't changed since that awful moment in the Underworld?]
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[ Yuji isn't the smartest person, and he knows that. He's not good at things that require long thought or planning, and if you asked him to sit an exam or a midterm then he'd fail, inevitably.
But he knows how he feels. And he knows, when it comes to friendships, when it comes to people you fight with, that you risk yourself for and alongside, you have to trust each other.
And if he's going to love Raidou, long after the horror of what happened to him, he has to trust and be trusted in return. He knows that, in his heart, even without someone's guidance telling him so.
He wants to be trusted. He wants to earn that back. But he doesn't know if he can do that without knowing where to start first. ]
You don't have to like my answer. You can be mad at me, and whatever else, but... Don't we need to try?
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But he has to move on, he's got to try. Nothing will change, for good or bad, if he doesn't. And even then, it will only get worse, not better. It takes him a few long, quiet moments to gather his thoughts, to keep himself together. In his exhausted state, mentally and physically, it felt so easy to just come apart at the seams again. He can't let that happen.
When he speaks, it's over hands that rub at his eyes and forehead.]
Together. We always said we'd do things together. It-- meant so much to me, knowing that. And then, you left. You went in. Alone. Without me.
[He swallows, another beat to gather himself.]
I know why you did it. I'd felt like doing the same. But I didn't. I stayed here. For the sake of the others. For you.
[A shaky breath, an attempt to smooth out his words.]
I thought... that was it. You were gone for good. Or-- you'd be changed by that place. Unrecognizable. A kaiju the next time you came out.
Then, when I first saw you in there, and you were-- [Dying, visibly dying] The moment you left, I... [He shakes his head.] I fell apart. I thought it was too late. But I never gave up. I kept searching. Then, I h-had to hurt you, again, and I really thought it wasn't going to be enough.
[This is so much. He dares to look up at Yuji now, the weariness visibly weighing on him.]
I was so scared I was going to lose you right there in my arms.
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[ Yuji has to swallow around the lump in his throat. His heart hurts, because he knows that this is his fault; that it wasn't that he didn't trust Raidou, that it wasn't any sense of lack of faith or belief, but because his heart took over his mind. He's not very good at waiting around if there's something he can do right now, and his own sense of self-preservation is so minimal that he didn't even consider the damage it would do.
Even when he was fighting Sukuna alongside the others, he had been so sure that it would lead to him fighting in the end, that his life would be taken. Working with others is fine, but in Shibuya, in the Culling Games... So often, it was just him, fighting alone, risking himself because it was all he had left to offer.
It's hard to shrug off that mindset, even when he promotes working as a team to the others.
This time, he failed.
Again. ]
I was changed. In the Underworld, that... It wasn't me, not really. And you, and Choso, and senpai and the others all had to deal with that, because I made the choice to go on my own. I... Johei, I know how bad that was. I realise how horrible it was for the rest of you left behind, too.
[ But... If they're meant to be honest with each other...? ]
I just... I didn't care what happened to me, as long as the others were safe.
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[It's the worst thing the two have in common. But Raidou's had a lot of thinking to do in his time here about that, and he'd been trying to make a conscious effort to not be as reckless, even though it goes against all of his instincts.]
Since getting here... so many people have told us. Take it easier. Think first. Stop putting ourselves in so much danger, and rely on the team. [The image of Ratio staring at him in disapproval comes to mind, as well as Narumi back home griping about Raidou lack of self-preservation.] Though really, the Outsiders aren't the first to say it.
I've been trying. I really have. Because people here care what happens to us. We're a team. We're friends. I'm not used to it, having this many people in my life. But I'm trying to change. For their sakes. For yours.
Tsurumaru-san called me selfish. He was right. Treating myself like that is disrespectful to those who care about me. And I need to learn to trust in others more.
So I suppose, then, wh-what I want to ask is... Are you willing to do the same?
[It's not going to happen overnight. It's an uphill battle for Raidou he will always consciously need to work on. It's going to take a lot of work from both of them. But more than anything in the world, he wants to do it with Yuji together.]
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[ Yuji's voice is painfully quiet.
It's hard for him to admit it, that he wants to get better, that he wants to grow and be stronger, as a person, as a fighter, all of it. It's hard to realise his mistakes and failings, even if all the horrible things he did while he was corrupted weren't entirely his fault. Trying to rationalise it all makes his head hurt, but at the same time he knows he has to figure it out, too.
Staring at his feet, he breathes in and out, trying not to cry.
Take it easy. Stop. Think.
He's supposed to be better at this. He's supposed to have grown, to worked with the others, but is he going backwards? Is he getting worse? Are Choso and Raidou and all the others right? Was Geto-san right?
Gritting his teeth, he musters himself, voice shaky as he tries to smother his tears, push them aside. ]
I'm just... I'm so tired of being too late. I was too slow to get to Nanamin, and he died right in front of me. I wasn't able to keep Megumi save from Sukuna, because I was too stupid to think of myself. Gojo-sensei died, and Higuruma-san almost did, and Yuta-senpai traded bodies because he didn't think I could do it, and...
[ He's physically shaking now, arms crossing over his own chest. ]
I keep failing to protect people. I keep being too slow, or too stupid, or... I don't know how to stop when I'm so scared.
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I'm sorry. What you and they went through was more than any one person could hope to stop. I'm sorry you ever to try to do so by yourself. But I know that none of them would expect you to solve everything alone.
[It's so hard to think of what to say. What can be done for someone who's gone through such tremendous tragedy?]
Those that are here now... we can still work to keep them safe. But let them do the same for you, too. Let them care about you as much as you care about them.
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The idea of the others, of Gojo or Nanamin or Geto finding out how he feels is simply unfathomable. He's supposed to be strong, and helping them, not making things worse. ]
I'm trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am trying.
[ His voice is low, quiet and hoarse. ]
Is that enough?
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Yeah. It is. Because I am, too.
[A calloused hand moves to Yuji's cheek to wipe away the tears with a thumb.]
And we can try together.
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Really together, this time. I... I won't mess up again.
[ It's not a promise, exactly, because he wouldn't be able to keep that, so... ]
I'm sorry. For doing it alone, and for what happened after. For what happened with Ratio-sensei and Eresh-chan, too.
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Thank you.
[There's a well of emotion and words springing up in him, all seeming to get caught in his throat.]
And we're going to mess up, Yuji. Both of us. But i-if we keep trying, it will get easier. I know it will.
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[ Leaning in, he rests his forehead on Raidou's, the tears still coming but softening a little as he finally wraps his arms around him. ]
I want us to be happy together.
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[He sighs, trying to steady himself, and so content to have Yuji's arms around him again.]
It might be hard to find sometimes, in this place. But it's worth fighting for.
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[ Not happy. Generally. ]
Figuring it all out.
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[It's only been a year and a half in a strange time and place, with no familiar faces from home, wondering what became of the Capital in his absence always in the back of his mind. Knowing that, at any time, either of them could be gone from this place, a trick of technology they can't control.
It made every moment together that much more precious and important.]
But at least we don't have to do it alone.
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[ A hard lesson to learn, but one he has to do. Yuji knows he can't keep doing this, not just because of the impact on others, but because of the impact on himself, too. He can't survive like this for much longer, can he? ]
Eresh-chan was right... About the other stuff, too.
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Raidou's eyes widen a bit, reflecting back on what Eresh had said.]
A...About the other stuff?
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[ Yuji still isn't looking at him properly, face blotchy from tears and red from his nervousness, the shyness, but there's a twitch of a smile there, too. ]
If we acted differently, we wouldn't be... You know.
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