It's hard for him to admit it, that he wants to get better, that he wants to grow and be stronger, as a person, as a fighter, all of it. It's hard to realise his mistakes and failings, even if all the horrible things he did while he was corrupted weren't entirely his fault. Trying to rationalise it all makes his head hurt, but at the same time he knows he has to figure it out, too.
Staring at his feet, he breathes in and out, trying not to cry.
Take it easy. Stop. Think.
He's supposed to be better at this. He's supposed to have grown, to worked with the others, but is he going backwards? Is he getting worse? Are Choso and Raidou and all the others right? Was Geto-san right?
Gritting his teeth, he musters himself, voice shaky as he tries to smother his tears, push them aside. ]
I'm just... I'm so tired of being too late. I was too slow to get to Nanamin, and he died right in front of me. I wasn't able to keep Megumi save from Sukuna, because I was too stupid to think of myself. Gojo-sensei died, and Higuruma-san almost did, and Yuta-senpai traded bodies because he didn't think I could do it, and...
[ He's physically shaking now, arms crossing over his own chest. ]
I keep failing to protect people. I keep being too slow, or too stupid, or... I don't know how to stop when I'm so scared.
[Raidou can't sit there and watch that, his heart only breaking further. Quiet as a mouse, he rises from the bed, and walks over to put his arms around Yuji. His voice is as gentle as his touch. ]
I'm sorry. What you and they went through was more than any one person could hope to stop. I'm sorry you ever to try to do so by yourself. But I know that none of them would expect you to solve everything alone.
[It's so hard to think of what to say. What can be done for someone who's gone through such tremendous tragedy?]
Those that are here now... we can still work to keep them safe. But let them do the same for you, too. Let them care about you as much as you care about them.
[ Yuji doesn't flinch when Raidou comes and wraps his arms around him, but he does tense - not because it's unwanted, but because he doesn't know how to handle it or how to manage the feeling of it at all. He's not sure how to handle being comforted, because it never felt like something he was meant to have.
The idea of the others, of Gojo or Nanamin or Geto finding out how he feels is simply unfathomable. He's supposed to be strong, and helping them, not making things worse. ]
I'm trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am trying.
[ Leaning into the touch is far easier than looking at Raidou, and Yuji shudders through the tears, trying to stem the flow, trying to calm it all down as much as he possibly can. ]
Really together, this time. I... I won't mess up again.
[ It's not a promise, exactly, because he wouldn't be able to keep that, so... ]
I'm sorry. For doing it alone, and for what happened after. For what happened with Ratio-sensei and Eresh-chan, too.
[That's okay. A promise from Yuji on something Raidou himself would have a hard time honoring too is too much, he thinks. He'll have to trust him. He wants to.]
Thank you.
[There's a well of emotion and words springing up in him, all seeming to get caught in his throat.]
And we're going to mess up, Yuji. Both of us. But i-if we keep trying, it will get easier. I know it will.
[It's only been a year and a half in a strange time and place, with no familiar faces from home, wondering what became of the Capital in his absence always in the back of his mind. Knowing that, at any time, either of them could be gone from this place, a trick of technology they can't control.
It made every moment together that much more precious and important.]
[ A hard lesson to learn, but one he has to do. Yuji knows he can't keep doing this, not just because of the impact on others, but because of the impact on himself, too. He can't survive like this for much longer, can he? ]
Eresh-chan was right... About the other stuff, too.
[How many times has Raidou come close to dying? How many times now has he hurt Yuji in battle, intentionally or not? Any is too many. He can't keep it up much longer himself.
Raidou's eyes widen a bit, reflecting back on what Eresh had said.]
[ Yuji still isn't looking at him properly, face blotchy from tears and red from his nervousness, the shyness, but there's a twitch of a smile there, too. ]
If we acted differently, we wouldn't be... You know.
If he did look at Raidou, he'd see his face turning turning pink all over again too. Yuji's deep need to protect others is one of the many things that drew Raidou to him in the first place. ]
Y-Yeah. That's true. But we can work on the bad parts, while still enjoying the good ones. But that's easy. There's a lot to like about you. Even if you don't think so.
[Moments ago, he thought he was going to fall apart all over again. It's a struggle, but he's starting to feel more hopeful than he has in awhile. He's missed this so much, and the kiss helps melt away some of that anxiety.]
Yeah? Even the bad ones?
[Just a little bit of a smirk as he says that, nuzzling Yuji's nose.]
None of this is going to be easy. But I know you're worth it.
[ Yuji is glad he did this. He’s glad they’ve talked and things feel more normal now. It’s good, to settle back into something similar, even if he still feels a little hollowed out and wounded on the inside.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Yuji's voice is painfully quiet.
It's hard for him to admit it, that he wants to get better, that he wants to grow and be stronger, as a person, as a fighter, all of it. It's hard to realise his mistakes and failings, even if all the horrible things he did while he was corrupted weren't entirely his fault. Trying to rationalise it all makes his head hurt, but at the same time he knows he has to figure it out, too.
Staring at his feet, he breathes in and out, trying not to cry.
Take it easy. Stop. Think.
He's supposed to be better at this. He's supposed to have grown, to worked with the others, but is he going backwards? Is he getting worse? Are Choso and Raidou and all the others right? Was Geto-san right?
Gritting his teeth, he musters himself, voice shaky as he tries to smother his tears, push them aside. ]
I'm just... I'm so tired of being too late. I was too slow to get to Nanamin, and he died right in front of me. I wasn't able to keep Megumi save from Sukuna, because I was too stupid to think of myself. Gojo-sensei died, and Higuruma-san almost did, and Yuta-senpai traded bodies because he didn't think I could do it, and...
[ He's physically shaking now, arms crossing over his own chest. ]
I keep failing to protect people. I keep being too slow, or too stupid, or... I don't know how to stop when I'm so scared.
no subject
I'm sorry. What you and they went through was more than any one person could hope to stop. I'm sorry you ever to try to do so by yourself. But I know that none of them would expect you to solve everything alone.
[It's so hard to think of what to say. What can be done for someone who's gone through such tremendous tragedy?]
Those that are here now... we can still work to keep them safe. But let them do the same for you, too. Let them care about you as much as you care about them.
no subject
The idea of the others, of Gojo or Nanamin or Geto finding out how he feels is simply unfathomable. He's supposed to be strong, and helping them, not making things worse. ]
I'm trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am trying.
[ His voice is low, quiet and hoarse. ]
Is that enough?
no subject
Yeah. It is. Because I am, too.
[A calloused hand moves to Yuji's cheek to wipe away the tears with a thumb.]
And we can try together.
no subject
Really together, this time. I... I won't mess up again.
[ It's not a promise, exactly, because he wouldn't be able to keep that, so... ]
I'm sorry. For doing it alone, and for what happened after. For what happened with Ratio-sensei and Eresh-chan, too.
no subject
Thank you.
[There's a well of emotion and words springing up in him, all seeming to get caught in his throat.]
And we're going to mess up, Yuji. Both of us. But i-if we keep trying, it will get easier. I know it will.
no subject
[ Leaning in, he rests his forehead on Raidou's, the tears still coming but softening a little as he finally wraps his arms around him. ]
I want us to be happy together.
no subject
[He sighs, trying to steady himself, and so content to have Yuji's arms around him again.]
It might be hard to find sometimes, in this place. But it's worth fighting for.
no subject
[ Not happy. Generally. ]
Figuring it all out.
no subject
[It's only been a year and a half in a strange time and place, with no familiar faces from home, wondering what became of the Capital in his absence always in the back of his mind. Knowing that, at any time, either of them could be gone from this place, a trick of technology they can't control.
It made every moment together that much more precious and important.]
But at least we don't have to do it alone.
no subject
[ A hard lesson to learn, but one he has to do. Yuji knows he can't keep doing this, not just because of the impact on others, but because of the impact on himself, too. He can't survive like this for much longer, can he? ]
Eresh-chan was right... About the other stuff, too.
no subject
Raidou's eyes widen a bit, reflecting back on what Eresh had said.]
A...About the other stuff?
no subject
[ Yuji still isn't looking at him properly, face blotchy from tears and red from his nervousness, the shyness, but there's a twitch of a smile there, too. ]
If we acted differently, we wouldn't be... You know.
no subject
If he did look at Raidou, he'd see his face turning turning pink all over again too. Yuji's deep need to protect others is one of the many things that drew Raidou to him in the first place. ]
Y-Yeah. That's true. But we can work on the bad parts, while still enjoying the good ones. But that's easy. There's a lot to like about you. Even if you don't think so.
no subject
[ The laughter and glee and joy and protectiveness versus the trauma, the grief, the need to prove himself, to fight. Yuji recognises it.
But.
He leans up and, despite his tears, kisses Raidou gently. ]</small I'm glad you like those parts. And I like your parts, too.
no subject
Yeah? Even the bad ones?
[Just a little bit of a smirk as he says that, nuzzling Yuji's nose.]
None of this is going to be easy. But I know you're worth it.
no subject
[ Yuji has always been able to get words out of Raidou even at his worst, so he doesn't realise quite how much he can hold things in...
And either way, he thinks he's brave, and sweet, and strong. There are too many good parts. ]
You are too. I don't want to give up on what we have.
no subject
[Proof that Raidou really does trust Yuji is how he manages to actually tell him, well, anything.]
When we're done resting, maybe in a couple of days... let's do something fun. Just the two of us.
[Sure, there's a party being planned, but before they get into all of that.]
no subject
[ The place where Spim sent them that one time…
He’s not going to mention the condoms. ]
That was really great.
no subject
[Yuji's one of the only people who gets Raidou Jokes™, too.]
That would be great. Hopefully no monsoon this time. But we still made the best of it.
no subject
[ A little, shy glance. ]
I like seeing you without your shirt on.
no subject
[That comment catches him a little by surprise, but it's certainly not unwelcome. It gets a real smile out of him finally.]
You're free to see that any time, you know. But I have to say, I'm fond of seeing you the same way.
no subject
[ Yuji is glad he did this. He’s glad they’ve talked and things feel more normal now. It’s good, to settle back into something similar, even if he still feels a little hollowed out and wounded on the inside.
It’ll get better. It has to. ]
Don’t tempt me.